my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
