Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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