I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
