12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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