i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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