sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize