last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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