Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
