she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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