Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
