dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
