I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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