You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
