I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
