there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
