I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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