Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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