I wish my penis had an off switch
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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