My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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