it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
