we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
