Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
