yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
