her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
