Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
