I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
