the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ladies don't puke and tell
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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