You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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