I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
