Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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