Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
