When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
