your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
