Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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