Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
