Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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