So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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