My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
