She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
