Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
