I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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