i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
