Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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