I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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