Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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