When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
