I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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