Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
