I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
