I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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