I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize