420 ftw
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
