Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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