forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
