I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
