Whod you bang
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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