someone threw a dead crab at me
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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