i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
