Your dad touched me again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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