Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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