those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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